Need a witty or unusual comeback for your next online spat? Choose one from these old timey insults!
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Artless
If a person is “artless”, then they are crude, uncultured or lacking skill and cunning.
Beetle-headed
Thick-headed, doltish.
Bescumbered
Covered in dung or filth. You bescumbered knave, you!
Blithering idiot
An utterly foolish person. Still pops up every now and again – Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson was fond of the phrase.
Caitiff
A contemptible, cowardly, wretched person. Derived from the Latin “captivus”, meaning a captive, a wretched prisoner.
Canker-blossom
A Shakespearean phrase first recorded in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It means a corrupt or malicious person; one who is destructive or spoils things of beauty.
Clotpole
A blockhead, stupid person or dolt.
Coxcomb
A foolish or conceited man; a dandy; a fop. A “coxcomb” was originally the red pate of a rooster (also “cockscomb”) but went on to mean the red cap worn by court jesters…from whence it evolved to this insult.
Dullard
Definitely one that I use every now and again. It means a slow-witted person.
Fopdoodle
Created in the 17th century from the words “fop” (= fool) and “doodle” (= simpleton) a trivial or foolish fellow.
Fustilarian
A low, contemptible person, a scoundrel. Possibly from “fustilugs”, meaning a slow or clumsy person, esp. a fat or slovenly woman.
Gudgeon
A gullible or easily deceived person.
Hobbledehoy
An awkward, clumsy adolescent youth.
Jackanapes
A cheeky or impudent person. Probably from its original meaning: a monkey/ape.
Knave
A dishonest or unscrupulous man. (Rudyard Kipling “If-“)
Malapert
Impudent, impertinent or saucy. Probably from Middle French “malappert” meaning ill-skilled.
Maltworm
A habitual drinker or drunkard. Also the name of my favourite craft beer joint in Brno, CZ.
Mooncalf
This word had various meanings: an abnormal growth in the uterus, a poorly-conceived idea/plan, a monster or freak or a slightly more pedestrian insult meaning a dreamer or a simpleton.
Comes from the old belief that the moon caused abnormal foetal development.
Mumblecrust
A toothless beggar; later, a shabby, slovenly person.
Ninnyhammer
A fool, a moron, a half-wit. “Ninny” survived into modern times as a name for a silly or foolish person.
Pigeon-livered
Meek, spiritless, cowardly, spineless.
A pox upon thee!
To hell with you! A curse on you!
Pribbling, prabbling
Silly, foolish chatter or vain arguments.
Rudesby
A crude, ill-mannered or uncivil person.
Scullion
A low, contemptible person. It originally meant a lowly servant or kitchen helper and jumped to mean any person seen to be of low worth.
Spleeny
Irritable, peevish or overly emotional.
The term has roots in the old English belief (going back to the early 1600s) that the spleen organ was responsible for one’s mood, particularly melancholy or ill temper. In fact, we still say “to vent one’s spleen” when we have a bit of an outburst.
Fun fact: “spleeny” is still used in New England (primarily in Maine) to refer to people who are nervous, anxious, or exhibit hypochondriac tendencies.
Thriftless varlet
A lazy, worthless rogue who wastes money or resources. A varlet was a male menial servant, but it also evolved into an insult along the lines of scoundrel or rascal.
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Other articles for committed English language nerds…
Extinct words in English that we need to bring back
Victorian words and phrases from Britain
Old-fashioned words and phrases in English
Sloshed! British words for being drunk
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