Those islanders like to get creative when they want to offend
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I like Reddit. There are some strange people hanging out on there – ready to savage you if you accidentally write something inaccurate in their respective fields of expertise or break the rules of their communities. You’ve got to tread carefully.
But you can spend ages revelling in the most niche discussions and falling down all kinds of rabbitholes. When I wanted to find out which British insults, slang words and phrases are best loved by foreigners, Reddit was my first port of call. “Bollocks” was a big winner (so to speak), especially among the Americans who seem mightily amused by it. “Innit” and “pillock” were also consistent favourites.
But what kept me there reading for hours, making my neck sore from looking at my phone, were the insults contributed by the Brits on the thread. Creative, casually devastating, absolutely spot-on – I was in stitches.
Here are a few of the best British insults for your inspiration – courtesy of the Redditors.
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The best British insults…for saying that someone is ugly
- She’s no oil painting
- He’s got a face only a mother could love
- She’s got a perfect face for radio
- He’s got a face like a melted welly
- She looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp
- That man has got a face like a smacked arse
- She looks like she fell down the stairs with her hands in her pockets
Phrases for saying…something/someone is useless
- It’s about as much use as a chocolate teapot/fireguard
- It’s about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest
- It’s about as useful as Anne Frank’s drum kit
- They couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery
- She couldn’t organise a bun fight in a bakery
Phrases for saying…someone is crazy
- He’s as mad as a bag of frogs!
- She’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic
- He’s a few cans short of a six pack
- She’s a few nappies short of a full load
British insults for telling someone they aren’t very clever
- You’re as daft as a brush
- They’re as thick as mince
- She fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
- He couldn’t find his arse with both hands and a map
- He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel
If someone has a very robust build…
- He’s built like a brick shithouse
When someone is a bit too thin…
- I’ve seen more meat on a butcher’s pencil
- It’d be like sleeping with a xylophone!
Phrases for saying…someone is a little uncouth
- I’ve seen more culture in a penicillin factory
Phrases for saying…that something annoys you
- It really grinds my gears
- It gets on my t*ts/on my wick
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More on the quirks of British English:
What the British say and what they actually mean: a brief guide
Midlands dialect and the odd things my mum says
Victorian words and phrases from Britain
English words of Indian origin
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