What the British say and what they mean can be two very different things. And the problem is them, not you.
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“Katharine, can you come and have a look at this email for me, I don’t understand what the guys in London want from me.”
It’s 2009 and I am working at a large commercial law firm in Vienna. My Austrian colleague in the next office down is doing a project with the London office and is having a spot of bother handling the communications with his British counterparts.
I go over to his office to see what the problem is.
“Look at the end of this email”, he says. “It says ‘please send the documents at your earliest convenience.’ How urgent is this? My ‘earliest convenience’ would be next week – would that be OK?”
I look at my colleague and feel a bit sorry for him. He’s on the receiving end of one of the worst British habits: saying one thing when you mean something else and expecting everyone to understand the message, regardless of cultural or linguistic divides.
It’s not you, it’s them
The Brits don’t do this to be malicious or difficult. This manner of indirect speech is a code born of our inherent social awkwardness and a horror of direct communication which is seen as rude, undiplomatic or lacking finesse. But it causes unnecessary misunderstandings in situations involving non-Brits who are (unfairly) left guessing as to what their conversation or business partner is angling at.
So I tell my colleague that, actually, when the Brits ask you to do something “at your earliest convenience”, they probably mean “Do it immediately if not sooner”.
“Well, why don’t they just write that? Everything would be so much easier. You Brits are so weird.”
He was absolutely right.
We’d try and do better, really we would. But sometimes we just can’t get over our own inhibitions. So, here’s a brief guide to what the British say and what they mean for non-British workmates, relatives, friends and significant others to help you decode your very own Brit before they strangle themselves with their own neuroses.
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What the British say and what they mean…in the office
With respect/all due respect… = I think you are a fool and am about to say something severely insulting, but I’ll be nice and soften it with this classic bit of British pseudo-politeness.
That’s not quite what I had in mind = What the bloody hell is THAT?
Do as much as you think is necessary = Do it all.
I have some feedback on several points… = You’ve been annoying me for absolutely ages and I’ve been hoping you’d stop of your own accord, but I just can’t take it anymore so here we are.
Regards (as the ending to an email) = I’m completely fuming/mortally offended by something you’ve done/said, but since we’re in a work setting and I have to be professional, I’m going to lay on the passive aggression with a shovel.
Maybe I haven’t explained this very well = A toddler could understand this, I can’t believe I have to deal with someone so dim-witted.
That’s a bold decision = That is completely insane and you will quickly come to regret it.
Just checking in = I am going to continue to send you emails about this until you either respond or get the job done.
Mistakes have been made = It was a massive cock-up that’s caused irreparable damage but I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
I may be wrong, but… = I know I’m right and I’m about to tell you why in excruciating detail.
As per my last email/as discussed = I can’t believe I am having to repeat myself, can’t you read?
I see your point, but… = I listened to your argument out of politeness but you are obviously clueless so I’ve just been waiting for you to finish speaking before I demolish you with my superior knowledge.
That’s one way of looking at it = By which chain of mangled reasoning did you arrive at that conclusion?
I’ll bear it in mind = I’m going to erase it from my memory as soon as you stop speaking.
Hope this helps = If you don’t follow my advice, you’ll be f*cked and I will laugh at you from afar.
The good and the bad
That’s quite good = It’s disappointing.
That’s not bad = That’s absolutely amazing, Albert Einstein could not have done better!
How interesting! = This is 100% the opposite of interesting. Please stop before I pass out from boredom.
It was an absolute nightmare = It was a minor inconvenience along the lines of heavy traffic or the internet connection not being very stable.
It’s not ideal = The worst-case scenario has occurred and life is almost certainly ruined.
I’m not keen on it = I can’t think of anything worse.
Oh gosh, that’s a bit unfortunate isn’t it? =That is a fate worse than death but it’s your own fault so don’t expect much sympathy from me.
How are you?
How are you? = I’m not even remotely interested in how you are doing, it’s just a formality. Please just say “Not bad, thanks” like a normal person and we can all proceed with minimal awkwardness.
Not bad, thanks = Could mean “I’m feeling OK, neither great nor bad” or “I’m just saying anything to get this bit of the conversation over with” (see above). Or, it could mean “I’m on top of the world, just won the lottery and got a new girlfriend who is an Oxford graduate who does modelling on the side, but I’m not going to rub your nose in it, peasant”.
Yeah, alright thanks = See above.
I’m not feeling too chipper = Call an ambulance.
I’ve been better = My life has crumbled about my ears.
I’m a bit under the weather = I feel like death warmed up.
I’m in a spot of bother = The police, the bailiffs and my psycho ex-wife are after me, I’ve been kidnapped by terrorists and the boat they are taking me away with just capsized on the open sea.
Talking about others
We’ve never seen eye to eye = He/she is quite simply the worst person I have ever met.
He was a very pleasant young man = He’s smoking hot but I’m old enough to be his mother, so I need a way of saying that which doesn’t make me seem like Mrs Robinson.
He’s quite a character = He’s a complete idiot.
You’re looking well = Well, well, well – aren’t you a little porker these days?
She’s lovely really = She’s terminally dreadful and I’d rather stick pins under my fingernails than spend more than 10 minutes in her company.
He’s fine once you get to know him = See above.
I mean, bless her, I love her to bits, but… = I am about to gravely insult her.
She means well = She’s a total waste of space and has fewer IQ points than fingers.
You must be so proud [of your son/daughter] = This child is the definition of average and a spoiled brat to boot.
That’s quite a striking outfit = You look like you covered yourself in glue and ran through a thrift shop.
Invitations and hospitality
You must come over to our place sometime = You will never see the inside of my house.
I might pop by later = I’m not coming.
We should hang out sometime = You will never see me again.
Don’t let me keep you = Please leave.
Well, I’ll let you go = Please leave, NOW.
Well, I’d better start making a move then = I don’t want to be here anymore, but I suspect we’ll be trying to leave for at least another hour.
Talking about the weather
It’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? = I have icicles hanging out of my nostrils.
The weekend was a bit damp = It wanged it down non-stop from Friday 3pm until Monday 8am and we thought we would have to leave the house in a canoe.
The sea was a bit choppy = The waves were at least 5m high.
Gosh, it’s absolutely roasting! = The mercury is pushing 20°C, the sun has been out for a whole 10 minutes and a slight sheen of sweat has formed on my upper lip.
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Related articles:
11 weird British sayings and their mysterious origins
British English words of Indian origin
Old-fashioned words and phrases in English
What a kerfuffle! 10 funny words in British English
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