The Graham Norton Show clip lasted just 37 seconds, but the truths just piled up
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I don’t have cause to say this often, but I’m with Marina Hyde on this one. Just like the veteran Guardian journalist, evening talk shows aren’t really the place I go to revel in the cold, hard truths of the world.
And yet the Irish actress Saoirse Ronan (Little Women, Lady Bird) served out a generous dollop of just that on the Graham Norton Show last week, triggering one of this year’s biggest internet talking points.
Larking around about self-defence
On the sofa alongside her were the actors Denzel Washington, Paul Mescal and Eddie Redmayne. Redmayne regaled the audience with stories of how he had been trained in certain self-defence techniques while preparing for his new film, The Day of the Jackal. These included jabbing the butt of one’s phone into an attacker’s throat to repel and immobilise them.
That you might use your Smartphone to neutralise an assailant quickly became the subject of jokes among the men, who openly ridiculed the notion. All was laughter and merriment until Ronan cut in to tell them: “Girls have to think about this all the time.”
Watch the clip here:
Well…this is awkward
The line dropped like a bomb. The impact silence cannot have lasted any more than two seconds, but seemed to go on and on. Setting: maximum awkwardness.
Surveying the scene, we saw three actors looking like they’ve fluffed their lines on the opening night of the big new play in town and an entertainment host dumped headfirst into a moment he’s going to have to defuse – fast. Then, Ronan again: “Am I right, ladies?”
The audience applauds. The men – sobered – signal their agreement with the point made like the decent guys they clearly are and the show goes on.
Please don’t let me be misunderstood
As Ronan has subsequently said, she didn’t go out to make a splash with her statement. Nor did she expect the clip to go viral and result in the internet feeding frenzy that’s been going on ever since. And all is well between her and the guys whose banter she’d mercilessly cut down at its crescendo. Good mates, no harm done.
But, since this is an iron law of all internet hypes, a whole lot of people have felt obliged to miss the point by a country mile. It is wrongheaded to interpret Ronan’s statement and the ensuing validation of it by women the world over as a kind of accusation levelled against the male participants as being backwards, toxic or somehow anti-women.
It didn’t escape any of our notice how they immediately quit clowning, agreed with what Ronan said, and did not try and contradict or relativise her. They looked silly and a bit inconsiderate but that’s about the worst of it.
Rather, the clip is one of the best examples out there of how even the most modern and respectful guys can still be utterly clueless about the world which women inhabit or what we have to think about every day in order to navigate it.
And they just can’t believe it when we tell them.
This is not another battle of the sexes
Now, in general, I can’t abide the term “lived experience”. Too often, it’s used as an opening gambit to a tuneless symphony of self-indulgent whinging, an attention-seeking trip or as a statement of entitlement to have your exact needs met at all times, regardless of the practicality or the availability of resources.
Yet, just like its royally abused cousin, “my truth”, “lived experience” is entirely apropos in situations where more understanding and communication is required because the views of the people involved differ.
For example, when you are larking around and making a joke of a serious issue like the possibility of physical attack which follows women around constantly like toilet paper stuck on the heel of their shoe. And a female who bears this burden every day is present.
Yes, a little bit of her side of the story is exactly what was needed here and Saoirse obliged. It wasn’t a “gotcha” moment or an “us, women vs. them, men” scene. There was just an awareness gap that needed to be filled so that everyone can get along that little bit better.
A woman’s world
But, beyond the sensational value of a mild dispute arising when people weren’t expecting it to, why has this clip provoked such a widespread, long-lasting reaction? The answer is because, like any viral clip, it told some truths. The crazy thing about this clip is that it managed to fit such a lot of them into just 37 seconds.
It’s worth taking the time to unpack all of these, so let’s break it down – one lived experience at a time.
Womens’ Lived Experience #1: Can I really be bothered to say this?
How many times in my professional and private life have I sat amongst the guys and listened to their banter, thinking I’d quite like to contribute? But known that it’s going to use up more energy than it’s worth to elbow my way into a conversation driven by an unstoppable wave of male communication dynamics? Too many times to count is the answer.
As I wrote in this article about starting a new career in your 40s, I only do this now in situations that really matter to me or where I might suffer a detriment if I keep my counsel. Pick your battles and all that.
The Graham Norton show was extremely tricky terrain, as it was primetime TV and the boisterous male banter had become about scoring professional comedy points in front of the audience and the viewers at home. My God, delivering an inconvenient truth in this setting would commit the grievous crime of killing the mood.
I watched Ronan become physically irritated and I knew that she was wrestling with the question women are confronted with so often in this situation: do I care about this enough to speak up?
Womens’ Lived Experience #2: Having to raise your voice to make your point at all
This hit home for me more than the point Ronan actually made. As the men laugh and joke raucously amongst themselves, she tries twice to interject. Each time, she fails, defeated by the sheer volume of the spiralling male mirth going on around her.
Then, you see the exact moment when she fully commits to speaking but also knows that to do it, she must shout above the din. I know so well what that split second feels like, because I’ve been in it so many times: in the office, at afterwork drinks, at parties, networking events, even at the family dinner table.
Obviously, the other males present were gracious and did not respond to her surprise comment with snide remarks. But let’s not kid ourselves: in such a situation, we half expect some kneejerk Smart Alec to come back with something like “Alright, you didn’t need to be so aggressive about it.”
Womens’ Lived Experience #3: The terror of dealing with the consequences of your own courage
Ronan’s a professional actress. A good one. And, in the moments following her big statement, all those skills kick in as she puts on a look of defiance – mouth set, chin out.
But, as any woman who has been in that moment will testify, acute anxiety is a more accurate term to describe your state of mind in the moments after the words leave your lips. You’ve stuck your head over the parapet, said your piece, fired back. That act alone takes a personal Hiroshima bomb’s worth of energy.
For, in truth, you haven’t just said some words. You have also thrown off the mantle of expectation that society still places on women to nod along, be compliant, don’t make others uncomfortable or rock the boat.
Am I right, ladies?
And now what? What happens now that you’ve thrown yourself over the top and are standing out there one your own in conversational no-man’s land? Will the troops rally around you or cower in the trenches while you get shredded? Will you find the strength to keep up the fight or back down into the silence that keeps others comfortable?
Given all the thoughts and the anxieties which women have to overcome to speak their minds, it doesn’t surprise me at all that the assaults, harassments and discriminations that swilled up as part of the #metoo movement took so long to come out in the wash. The tranquillity of our society had been resting for the longest time on the assumption that women would keep to the submissive roles assigned to them – and obey the omertà on violations of their physical integrity which those roles entailed.
We’re moving on from this now, thank God. But there’s still so much work to do. Letting the men in our lives know how the world looks from our point of view is just one part of it.
Despite that look of studied defiance, I’ll bet that Ronan was feeling nervous too. And that that “Am I right, ladies?” was a cry to the troops behind her: are you coming with me or not?
Yes, Saoirse, we are. We are with you every step of the way on this one. Because we see ourselves in you.
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Related articles:
Man! I feel like a woman! Or maybe I don’t…
Confessions of an awkward woman
The vein on my arm and the unconscious need to “be ladylike”
Lily Phillips and her 101 men. I wonder – what was the point?
The art of female fury: Judith Slaying Holofernes by Artemisia Gentileschi
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Photo credit: AnnaStills on Envato Elements